It's Been 6 Months...

And I've lost 82.2 pounds. Most people would be absolutely overjoyed to lose that in ANY time frame, much less six months, but it's kind of bittersweet for me. Yeah, I'm really glad that I've lost that much, but it's not enough. Not only did I want to lose 100 pounds in 6 months, but I'm not even at the starting point I was at when we did the Biggest Loser contest when I worked at Repairclinic. Granted, I'm close, but close doesn't count.

And I'm still fat. By a lot. Most people would be considered practically dead if they lost 82.2 pounds, but not me. Not by a long shot. I'm still wearing the same clothes I was wearing before I lost the weight and I don't think they're really that much baggier. I still cringe every time I look in the mirror. I don't see that I've lost that much weight. Maybe it's because I see myself every day, but while there might be some small changes, it doesn't feel like much at all even though the scale says it is.

Maybe I was expecting too much, but it's kind of disappointing... I know, I should stay focused on my achievements and not on my failures and be positive and all that, but it's hard sometimes. I'm generally a negative person and focusing on the negatives and using them to try and improve myself is how I've always done things and it's what seems to work most of the time. I guess my main thing is that I can't believe I let myself get to the point I got to, regardless of the fact that I'm now desperately trying to undo it. If I would have just kept going after the Biggest Loser contest and kept that lifestyle change and kept working out, even if it wasn't as often or as vigorously, I wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in right now.

It's a constant battle. I just need to stay focused and keep going and hope like hell that something doesn't come along and derail me, whether physically or mentally.

What I'm MOST proud of, regardless of what weight I've lost, is that I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD FAST FOOD. I would have never, ever thought I'd say that. But I'm so glad that I can. If I keep going and keep avoiding it and keep pushing through the cravings (which you wouldn't believe how strong they are), I'll be happy. It's hard as hell, especially after drinking or when I'm feeling depressed or even when I just smell it or see a commercial on TV, but if I've done it this long, I can keep going. But I ask that YOU don't tempt me; don't offer to go or say we can grab some on our way out or if you're desperately wanting to stop and I agree to it, don't offer or push me towards it; all it'll take to derail me is one bite. As stupid as it sounds, it's true. And I don't want to go back to the way I was.

So that's that. This is disjointed and a bunch of ideas all jumbled together, but that's what you get when I sneak to write it at work because my computer at home is down again because apparently I need to update a driver to get online or something because Windows decided to update itself.

I Guess I'm a Gym Regular Now

I was just going to make this post about how while today's weigh in was positive (-5.7 pounds), I'm not getting my hopes up yet unless I lose more next week. I've consistently lost every day this week, but I'm still hoping it's not another fluke. Guess we'll see what happens next week with regards to that...

But I was more or less told that I'm a regular every day. I was working through the weight machines and two women who have been coming regularly for a few weeks now walked up to me and asked if I came to the gym by myself or if I came alone. Instantly wary because people were talking to me, I told them that I come alone every day and one of them said "you fucking rock," and that she was just talking to her friend about how they see me here every day no matter what. It's exactly what I needed to hear today, especially since I did NOT want to go and almost didn't. And whether or not they keep coming, knowing that there are people who pay attention to my attendance is going to make me go and work harder because I don't want to deal with the "Where've you been?" questions.

Frustrated

I know. I didn't put on the weight overnight, so it's not going to come off overnight. But while I didn't put it on overnight, it was pretty damn quick. With as hard as I feel I work, I feel like it should be coming off faster than it is. I'm having a hard time dealing with what I feel is an absolute lack of progress...

I Don't Want to Be Frumpy...

This is going to be a horrible entry where I judge people. But I have to - it'll all make sense in the end. It's just something I was thinking about at the gym...

I really really REALLY don't want to be one of the frumpy women, much less a frumpy woman who thinks she looks good... This is an honest fear. And it's horrible to admit, but it's true. I don't want to wear all kinds of makeup and the wrong clothes and think I'm all cute when I'm actually not. I'm already super close to frump status just by wearing what I wear and NOT wearing makeup or doing my hair, but at least I'm honest in knowing that I don't look good and I'm not gonna walk around thinking I'm hot shit.

Maybe it's an irrational fear, but I don't want to delude myself into thinking that I look good and opening myself up to the exact kind of judgment that I'm dishing out right now. I'm just keeping it real by sticking to my t-shirts and baggy workout pants at the gym, boring work clothes, and sweatshirts and jeans on the weekend. My clothes might not be cute or anything special, but at least they fit and they don't have holes or Tweety Bird and they're age-appropriate and while I don't wear makeup, at least I don't wear too much (most of the time). Yeah, I'm still going to get judged, but it's not going to be as harshly. At least I hope it's not...

Oh. Almost forgot. 900 in 60.

New Shoes Make ALL the Difference

Holy crap. I didn't realize just how worn out my old gym shoes were until I wore my new ones today. It makes a huuuuuge difference in how I walk and my posture and everything. It's crazy. Most importantly, the "balance ball technology" things on the bottom of the shoes haven't been worn down, so I can feel it in my legs again. Haha. But regardless, I did 1015 calories in 60 minutes, so I'm proud of myself. Not sure how I did it, but I did it.

And NO, I don't have the weird shoes with the rocker on the bottom - they look like normal shoes. :) At least I'm not the guy with the weird shoe/toe sock combo things.

Frustrated and Feeling Weak

I want to eat pizza. I've had pizza every Sunday for the past God knows how long because I told myself I could only eat pizza once a week when I started trying to lose weight. And for the most part, I've stuck to that. But I know that's not healthy, especially considering the amount of it that I'd eat.

And I'm slowly starting to realize that it's not only the pizza itself that I crave, but the AMOUNT. It's almost kind of like a drug binge in that I eat way too much and then I'm just in a semi-comatose high state where I don't really care about anything and I feel all fuzzy. And then when it wears off, I have extreme feelings of anger at myself and regret and depression so I want to do it all over again to numb myself.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly thinking about food. Even something as small as seeing a pizza box or fast food wrapper in the background of a tv show I glimpsed as I was channel surfing can completely set me off on a horrible craving where I can't stop thinking about getting whatever it was or just food in general. That's not NORMAL. Not by a long shot.

What's worse is that I give into the craving 9 times out of 10 because I don't have anyone here to tell me no or to talk me through it or anything like that. Yes, I understand and really do appreciate everyone who's supported me, but this goes beyond just a normal "oh I kinda want that but I'm going to make a better choice aaaaaand... now I'm over it"; I need someone who's been where I'm at. Hell, if I could, I'd go into some kind of detox/rehab program so I'd be in a controlled environment where I can't just go get sugary/fattening/salty/carb-y food when a craving hits so I would be forced to deal with it and get through it and there would be other people going through the same things that I could talk to and they'd know how I feel and I'd know how they feel. Everyone tries to understand, which I appreciate, but unless you've been there, it's hard to relate and I feel stupid talking about it. I feel stupid writing this blog...

Stupid, and embarassed as all hell. It's bad enough just being in public, but to actually admit that this is how I feel and think and DO just seems to make everything worse. But whatever, I'm doing it anyways... It's to the point where I don't know what other option I have because I don't feel like I can keep it all bottled up inside any more. Maybe somehow it'll hold me accountable... Although I don't know how that would be.

I'm obviously not strong enough to do this on my own. I think that's incredibly clear.

And I feel retarded that I can't just do it on my own...

Gym Regulars

I don't know if I'm a gym regular. I mean, I go there all the damn time and am usually there for at least two hours at the same time every day so I guess that makes me a regular, but I don't know if other people view me that way. The employees all recognize and know me and say hi and bye and all that, but I don't know if the people I consider regulars look at me as a regular.

It's weird. I don't know how to explain it. But I kind of want to be considered a regular and be someone who inspires other people to go all the time and work out because they see me there day in and day out busting my ass. There are a few people who I really look to that inspire me to keep going and as self-important as it may seem, I wish I could be that person for someone else.

But I'm not sure if that's just my self-esteem desperately seeking a boost or a genuine desire to help someone.

Hell, the regulars probably wish I'd stop coming already because fatties are only dragging them down.