Frustrated and Feeling Weak

I want to eat pizza. I've had pizza every Sunday for the past God knows how long because I told myself I could only eat pizza once a week when I started trying to lose weight. And for the most part, I've stuck to that. But I know that's not healthy, especially considering the amount of it that I'd eat.

And I'm slowly starting to realize that it's not only the pizza itself that I crave, but the AMOUNT. It's almost kind of like a drug binge in that I eat way too much and then I'm just in a semi-comatose high state where I don't really care about anything and I feel all fuzzy. And then when it wears off, I have extreme feelings of anger at myself and regret and depression so I want to do it all over again to numb myself.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of constantly thinking about food. Even something as small as seeing a pizza box or fast food wrapper in the background of a tv show I glimpsed as I was channel surfing can completely set me off on a horrible craving where I can't stop thinking about getting whatever it was or just food in general. That's not NORMAL. Not by a long shot.

What's worse is that I give into the craving 9 times out of 10 because I don't have anyone here to tell me no or to talk me through it or anything like that. Yes, I understand and really do appreciate everyone who's supported me, but this goes beyond just a normal "oh I kinda want that but I'm going to make a better choice aaaaaand... now I'm over it"; I need someone who's been where I'm at. Hell, if I could, I'd go into some kind of detox/rehab program so I'd be in a controlled environment where I can't just go get sugary/fattening/salty/carb-y food when a craving hits so I would be forced to deal with it and get through it and there would be other people going through the same things that I could talk to and they'd know how I feel and I'd know how they feel. Everyone tries to understand, which I appreciate, but unless you've been there, it's hard to relate and I feel stupid talking about it. I feel stupid writing this blog...

Stupid, and embarassed as all hell. It's bad enough just being in public, but to actually admit that this is how I feel and think and DO just seems to make everything worse. But whatever, I'm doing it anyways... It's to the point where I don't know what other option I have because I don't feel like I can keep it all bottled up inside any more. Maybe somehow it'll hold me accountable... Although I don't know how that would be.

I'm obviously not strong enough to do this on my own. I think that's incredibly clear.

And I feel retarded that I can't just do it on my own...