And I've lost 82.2 pounds. Most people would be absolutely overjoyed to lose that in ANY time frame, much less six months, but it's kind of bittersweet for me. Yeah, I'm really glad that I've lost that much, but it's not enough. Not only did I want to lose 100 pounds in 6 months, but I'm not even at the starting point I was at when we did the Biggest Loser contest when I worked at Repairclinic. Granted, I'm close, but close doesn't count.
And I'm still fat. By a lot. Most people would be considered practically dead if they lost 82.2 pounds, but not me. Not by a long shot. I'm still wearing the same clothes I was wearing before I lost the weight and I don't think they're really that much baggier. I still cringe every time I look in the mirror. I don't see that I've lost that much weight. Maybe it's because I see myself every day, but while there might be some small changes, it doesn't feel like much at all even though the scale says it is.
Maybe I was expecting too much, but it's kind of disappointing... I know, I should stay focused on my achievements and not on my failures and be positive and all that, but it's hard sometimes. I'm generally a negative person and focusing on the negatives and using them to try and improve myself is how I've always done things and it's what seems to work most of the time. I guess my main thing is that I can't believe I let myself get to the point I got to, regardless of the fact that I'm now desperately trying to undo it. If I would have just kept going after the Biggest Loser contest and kept that lifestyle change and kept working out, even if it wasn't as often or as vigorously, I wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in right now.
It's a constant battle. I just need to stay focused and keep going and hope like hell that something doesn't come along and derail me, whether physically or mentally.
What I'm MOST proud of, regardless of what weight I've lost, is that I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I HAD FAST FOOD. I would have never, ever thought I'd say that. But I'm so glad that I can. If I keep going and keep avoiding it and keep pushing through the cravings (which you wouldn't believe how strong they are), I'll be happy. It's hard as hell, especially after drinking or when I'm feeling depressed or even when I just smell it or see a commercial on TV, but if I've done it this long, I can keep going. But I ask that YOU don't tempt me; don't offer to go or say we can grab some on our way out or if you're desperately wanting to stop and I agree to it, don't offer or push me towards it; all it'll take to derail me is one bite. As stupid as it sounds, it's true. And I don't want to go back to the way I was.
So that's that. This is disjointed and a bunch of ideas all jumbled together, but that's what you get when I sneak to write it at work because my computer at home is down again because apparently I need to update a driver to get online or something because Windows decided to update itself.
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